Not much posting this week,
Not much posting this week, I know. I was doing a few entries a day there for a while, so I know I set a high bar to clear; now that I haven't been posting as much, I feel like I've let the audience (all three of you) down.
I told Bob recently that I had considered doing more entries of a personal nature; he said I should go for it. I haven't yet felt the urge, though. Not that there's nothing going on in my life; rather, quite the opposite. In fact, the more eventful my life gets, the less I feel like writing about it here. I'm not an exhibitionist, and I don't quite see the value in creating a web-diary of sorts; the very concept is sort of sour to me. They're mostly composed by people who, well, like to tell the world their problems. Not my style.
But here's what I will do. I can definitely see a value in creating a blog that can be a record of the things I feel are worth sharing. The things that I'm proud of, the goals I achieve. And up until recently, sadly, I didn't have many of those worth writing home about. Things have changed.
Bob's brother Ian just wrote about an excruiating experience while running for half an hour. Reading it, I was reminded of the time I tried to go for a leisurely bike ride in northwest Austin. (For those of you who don't know, the terrain is awfully hilly, and for a guy as out of shape as I was, it was dreadfully difficult to enjoy.) At the end, I threw up, my body totally exhausted from having to pedal up so many hills, my skin cold, my face flushed red. I was in pain. Not a good statement on how well I was taking care of myself. And I suspect that as of two weeks ago, three years after that horrible experience, I was doing even worse.
Well, last Monday (that's two weeks ago), I finally got the gumption to start the Body-for-LIFE program. It's a workout program designed by a guy named Bill Phillips, and it's geared towards those of us who aren't in shape. It's tough. It's really really hard to get through the workouts. But it's so well-designed and well-planned that it makes the goals doable. I've already seen major improvement in my upper body, and I'm not kidding -- I saw overnight change in my abs last night. Granted, I worked them out like crazy, but man -- if going through that much pain -- the well-focused, efficient, right kind of pain -- is what it takes to get those results, I'll suck it up and do it because I know what I'm doing is for a greater goal.
I've stuck with it for two weeks, and I know I'll complete it. And at the end, I'll look totally different. In fact, I've held off buying new clothes because my sizes are all going to be different at the end of this. For the better. In fact, one of the reasons I decided to do this was because I could no longer fit in 34's when I went shopping for some new pants over Christmas. That was horrible. I used to be a 33-inch waist; then I moved up to 34's about three years ago, and here I was not being able to even button them in the fitting room. I felt terrible. I was embarrassed in a way that I had rarely ever been -- I was embarrassed to myself. I don't usually feel embarrassed from other people; I am who I am, and I try to live with integrity so that doesn't happen. But there, in that fitting room, I was suddenly ashamed of myself; I let myself down. And that hurt.
So anyway, it's two weeks into it; I've lost at least ten pounds (I fluctuate some; I've lost as much as thirteen), and I've already seen major changes in my abs and chest. I can't push out my stomach as much as I could before, and my chest is thicker. My arms are thicker. There's actually a slight bulge when I flex my biceps -- something I haven't had since mid-college. I feel great, I'm working out hard, and I've never been prouder of myself. In fact, just like I've heard a lot of people say when they start a workout program like this, I feel like other things in my life are coming into focus. Mentally, I'm seeing myself do things I don't want to do; it's a side-effect from having to work through the tough workouts where every muscle is burning but you've got to complete that set.
I'm not a muscle-head. I was never an athlete. (I scored three whole points on my high school freshman basketball team, and two of those were against the retarded kids' team. No joke. Coach played me a lot in that game -- it was the only time he did.) And I'm catching myself, all of a sudden, being concerned about the nutritional content of my food. Not out of fear of things that are Bad For You, but because I don't want to ruin what I've been working so hard on. That's the distinction, I guess between living life to the fullest, and living in fear of it. My driving force in this regard is the pride I feel in accomplishing something that I wanted to do and hated myself for not doing, and I will not accept my own failure. It's too important to prove to myself that I can achieve something difficult. Which is something I haven't done in a long time.
I find myself nearly kicking myself -- nearly -- for not doing this sooner. In fact, when I saw my old boss a few summers ago, and he'd just gone through the Body-for-LIFE program, he said that he wished he had started it sooner. I get that now. Once you do it, once you get past that first phase of difficulty, once you start to focus yourself on the positives that you're achieving, and once you integrate that concept that the pain that it takes to get there is worth it, you start to see the world differently. What if I don't take that chance? What if I don't do that thing that I think I should do, but won't because I'm afraid of it, or I think it'll hurt too much? I'm starting too see how it all makes a difference. This is something I put off for almost two years. I can only imagine where I'd be now, physically, mentally, emotionally, if I had mustered up the guts to do this sooner. The great part is that it is only uphill from here, and I'll probably have a longer life now that I'm starting this habit.
Anyway, I thought this experience was one worth sharing. There have been plenty of others, mind you. But I really want to spend my time doing constructive things. Focusing on the positive is something that is really important to me these days -- in a very core-level way. I cannot tell you how much the negative irritates me now. I have had enough of people who complain about everything, whose minds are always focused on tearing things down. Which isn't to say there isn't a place for criticism, but let's be honest: there are people whose entire personalities are constructed around cynicism and negativity in such a fundamental way that I can't help but to think that they cannot be very happy.
I've always thought that happiness was a choice. Even when I have been unhappy in my own life. The difference is that I never wanted happiness enough. I wasn't willing to believe in it enough -- its authenticity. I'm starting to understand that not only is it possible, but that it comes from inside. It comes from pride in your efforts and living in accordance with your values. Integrity. Living an honest life with goals and a genuine desire to achieve those goals. Maybe it really does take hitting rock-bottom to get there (wherever rock-bottom happens to be for you); but I think I hit that point a little while back. It's an intensely personal thing for each person, and although there was no Saul-on-the-road-to-Damascus moment for me, the thing for me was taking a step back and honestly assessing: what do I want out of life? And the answer to that question has made many of the uncertainties go away in a way that I couldn't resolve before. Now that I know what I want -- and they're simple things, really -- I know what I need to do to get them.
Read enough? Hope so. That's where I am right now; maybe this will be of value to someone.
Posted by Matt at April 27, 2003 6:51 AM
