Whew. Okay, well most of
Whew.
Okay, well most of the nastiness that defined last week has subsided. Suffice to say, it was exhausting. Physically, I still haven't fully recovered; my body-clock is still flipped to the polar opposite of normal (and I also have a really nasty pulled muscle in my shoulder for some reason).
One unexpected effect brought by the fallout is that I'm suddenly thinking very constructively. Which, I can't understate, is a very positive thing. It didn't happen the last time. Not in any significant way. Which may be part of why it was so difficult -- if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, man, it sure makes that tunnel seem endless. So the onset of constructive thinking is a sign of good things to come. I've got a glimpse of something I haven't had in a long time: I'm starting to think about the future again in a positive light.
Sure, for a lot of people this is ingrained into their psyche. Not so much for me. Kirsten once observed: "You don't look much past your headlights when you drive, do you?" Part of the reason why I get lost a lot, I guess.
But more importantly, it's back to another old issue that has resurfaced yet again: It is hard to plan for the future when you aren't confident enough in your abilities to trust your own planning. If your goal is, say, to go to L.A. and be an actor, if all you can think about is how the faculty at your drama school didn't think highly of you, and therefore, why should anyone in L.A.? -- you can't plan for the future. The key to a better life is knowing that the future absolutely can be better than the past and the present, but if you don't believe it, you won't be able to make it happen.
Which is a significant change in mindset, and one that it's going to take me a long time to break the pattern of. These are things I believed in my heart a long time ago -- a time when I definitely did know who I was and what I wanted -- and I've got to get back into that way of thinking.
Well, enough rambling on about this for now.
Posted by Matt at May 27, 2003 8:00 PM
