Nerf-Coated World

April 30, 2005

Because what happens here, stays here

You're getting married this weekend, and you've got cold feet? For God's sakes, woman, don't go through with it! Instead, tell your family you've been kidnapped and hop a bus to Vegas.

It's really the only viable option.

Posted by Matt at 9:01 AM

April 28, 2005

Corset piercing?

Looks pretty gross to me.

It's not that I'm uptight. I'm just one of those crazy cats that prefers smooth skin, and all those metal doodads don't make for happy fingers.

Posted by Matt at 9:59 AM

April 19, 2005

America, we stand as one

Touching.

Say what you want about the hair. Laugh about the sensitive shots on the beach. Chuckle it up when you see those firefighters and police officers in the clouds. Poke fun at the freaky animated bird-ghost-souls flitting about and flying into the dude's chest.

This, my friends, is patriotism you will never yourselves surpass, should you live a hundred years.

I felt the love
I breathed the air
I touched the rain
I wiped the tear
I saw the moon
I heard the wind
Now my new life will soon begin
I had to go
But it's okay,
You see I'm with you in a different way

USA! America, we stand as one
USA! America, we stand as one

And you must carry on!
Carry on, carry on my love.

Posted by Matt at 10:39 AM

April 16, 2005

Not a joke

If you have been the victim of popcorn worker's lung, call us today to discuss your potential claim.

Posted by Matt at 1:33 PM

April 13, 2005

Life recommendation

  1. Take one (1) hour during the middle of a sunny, warm day (preferably 70 to 85 degrees).*
  2. Procure approximately 12 to 20 square feet of unshaded horizontal or near-horizontal surface, suitable for placing an elongated human body, free from auditory distractions.
  3. Lay there, either prone or on back; close eyes and relax until warm.
Enjoy the extra length added to your day.

When lunch hour is taken, makes an afternoon of drudgery an order of magnitude more bearable.

Posted by Matt at 1:56 PM

April 10, 2005

Sour grapes and "intimidation"

Five months have passed since the '04 election. And John Kerry has finally produced evidence of the widespread, systematic voter intimidation that took place on November 2nd. The results are startling. Nay, horrifying:

"Leaflets are handed out saying Democrats vote on Wednesday, Republicans vote on Tuesday. People are told in telephone calls that if you've ever had a parking ticket, you're not allowed to vote," he said.
I gather from this that, having identified the problem, Senator Kerry will now address it by spearheading the charge to reinforce our high schools' emphasis on history and the Constitution and to reinstate Civics as a nationally-mandated requirement for graduation.

You know, because he's all about solutions.

Posted by Matt at 10:42 PM

Things to be happy about if you're me

  1. Beating procrastination.
  2. My clean apartment.
  3. Spending less on my gym membership.
  4. Seeing the Astros bounce back from losing the first game of the season to winning the next four.
  5. Keeping promises to myself.
  6. Having the discipline and support to work out every morning at 7:00.
  7. A week's vacation that felt like a month.
  8. New opportunities.
  9. Tiger sinking that amazing putt on 16 and then winning it all at Augusta.
  10. A positive attitude.
  11. Having the bad parts of my past finally make sense in a way that makes me understand myself and my family a lot better, without any sadness or bitterness.
  12. A new ARG game.
  13. Finding the car power adapter for my cell phone.
  14. Getting it all together.
I really could go on. But I shan't, because as the title suggests, this post is mostly for an audience of one.

Posted by Matt at 9:18 PM

The Drudge Report, Condensed, Vol. I

BREAKING!!! PRINCE CHARLES! PRINCESS CONSORT CAMILLA! MICHAEL JACKSON! TERRORISTS! PALESTINE! GUMBLEDY GOO! SHOCKING HEADLINES! TOO MANY GOD-DAMNED SIRENS! REEEEHHHHWWWNNNNNNNNNNEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! GOD I'M HEMMHORAGING!!! HALASDFLKASDFJWERKJGLKJJJJJ!!!!! JIHAD! BUSH'S IPOD! DEVELOPING... TED KENNEDY DRUNK AGAIN! RIGHT-WING NUTJOBS! MORE CRAZINESS IN BERKELEY! TEACHER: HAD SEX WITH STUDENT! STUDENT EXPELLED FOR DRAWING CARTOON! EXCLAMATION POINTS, OH CRAP! DEFENSE ATTORNEY CLAIMS BIAS! MACAULEY CULKIN! BARBRA STREISAND! EISNER! DISNEY! MSM! CNNABCUSATIMESCBSGALLUPWTF: BUSH APPROVAL UP 1%! REEHHNNNGNGINNGNNGNNNNN!!!!!

Posted by Matt at 9:01 PM

April 7, 2005

More daylight for everyone!

Congress is considering extending daylight-savings time.

This is a good thing. Not only because I like to see the sun for longer when I leave the office, but because it will also reduce national energy use. Most electricity is used in the evenings, after work. (Think about it: ovens, TVs, computers -- all are used much more in the evenings than in the mornings.) Decrease usage and energy prices could fall, which is good for the economy and all of us. Even if it's only by 10,000 barrels a day, as the article suggests, any improvement is a good thing.

Posted by Matt at 12:24 PM

Food!

Yesterday was the day of Liz's buffet at the culinary academy. The buffet is kind of like a public presentation to the school of everything she and her class have done for the last six weeks, much like a showcase performance would be for theater students, or a gallery showing would be for art students. Except in a buffet, the audience eats the work.

Turns out, just like other artists, budding chefs need portfolios too. Liz solicited me to take the pics. Des voici:

Tasty desserts

Chicken and something else that looks tasty

Tartalicious

Sushi!

More desserts

I still have a LOT to learn. But I am getting a few more good pictures every time I shoot. So, you know. Improvement.

Posted by Matt at 8:47 AM

April 3, 2005

Labrum

From Jayson Stark, writing on Carlos Beltran:

Carlos Beltran can't fix the Mets' bullpen. He can't throw out any base stealers. He can't repair Pedro Martinez's labrum.
Merriam-Webster wasn't much help this time:
la·brum: an upper or anterior mouthpart of an arthropod consisting of a single median piece in front of or above the mandibles
Pedro Martinez isn't an athropod...

Happily, I found that there are dictionaries just for medical terms, if you can believe it. Here it is from MedicineNet.com:

Labrum: In medicine, a ring of fibrocartilage (fibrous cartilage)
around the edge of the articular (joint) surface of a bone. The term labrum is used in anatomy to designate a lip, edge, or brim. Plural: labra.

The glenoid labrum is a ring of fibrocartilage that runs around the cavity of the scapula (wingbone) in which the head of the humerus (the bone in the upper arm) fits. The labrum deepens this cavity (the glenoid cavity) and effectively increases the surface of the shoulder joint.

Now, while Pedro Martinez is not, in fact, an arthropod, he has had shoulder problems. So, labrum: the ring of cartilage in the shoulder joint.

Posted by Matt at 10:57 AM

Bracket mystery

How is it, after not following college hoops one bit after P.J. Tucker was suspended and the Horns slipped out of national contention, that the teams I picked in the NCAA tourney landed me in the 86.7th percentile in the nation? Same thing happened last year, and the year before.

My research consists of taking 15 minutes to run through the latest conventional wisdom on ESPN.com the day before the tournament. And that's about it. I wonder if the other 86.7% of people overthink their picks. I guess I'm just lucky.

Posted by Matt at 10:47 AM

Sunset

We had a few rainstorms blow through this past week. I whipped out the camera after one of them. Click the picture below for the enormous set of five.

Posted by Matt at 10:30 AM

April 1, 2005

Thoughts on artistry

I stumbled across this piece from Ken Rockwell today. The thesis: your ability as an artist is not dependent on the quality of your equipment.

He's right.

I've had moments where I've been "over the mountain", where I've created some really great stuff with limited resources. But since I'm wearing my humility on my sleeve lately, I'll go ahead and admit it: I've been more a gearhead than an artist.

I've reflected quite a bit lately on my identity -- who I am, what I do, and the like -- and it's apparent to me that I've held myself back from being more an artist. It's been fear, really, that's done it. I'm afraid, for some reason, of putting myself out there, of wearing anything significant or personal on my sleeve.

The only kind of thing I've had any courage to express is when I imitate someone else's work, or when I make something up as a joke. I'm rarely the originator. Improver, sometimes. Mocker, sometimes. Clever remixer, sometimes. But there's been a crucial artistic element missing in the work I've shown to the world, and that element is a piece of myself.

I don't fully appreciate the reasons for my timidity -- if it even is timidity at the heart of it.

I'm sure, though, that I'm changing, and that I'll keep working towards more expressiveness and openness -- because I suspect that there's good stuff there.

Posted by Matt at 10:29 AM